On an episode of Leave It Beaver (yes really) the following exchange took place between June and Ward Cleaver:
June: How come you don't bring me flowers anymore?
Ward: Dear, that's like running for the bus after you already caught it.
Ouch. Needless to say this answer did not thrill June. Unfortunately many men understand all to well where Ward is coming from and agree with him one hundred percent. This doesn't just apply to married couples or even a fictitious married couple. Many a dating relationship has become familiar to the point of routine. To many women this represents a form of arrogance. It is like saying, "I got you now so why should I exert anymore effort?" That's a recipe for trouble somewhere down the road.
You don't have to go overboard either by taking her to a fancy restaurant every other day or going on vacations that you cannot afford. Mind you those things help but with women, it is sometimes the little things that mean the most. Little things like:
1. Listening
The lack of communication can be very frustrating to women but not listening can really get their dander up. Many of us have been accused of concentrating more on whatever was on television than our wives and girlfriends. To a large degree it's true. Most women like to talk about personal matters that have a direct bearing on their lives, their family or friends. What's on TV at that time is irrelevant. Show that you appreciate her by listening. Don't just wait for her to start talking. Initiate the conversation sometimes, and then listen carefully not only to what she says but her body language as well. This is not a one shot deal. Listening to her on a steady basis can only help your relationship.
2. The Small Occasion Celebration
We've all seen the shows where the woman gets upset because the husband forgets their anniversary or birthday. That quite honestly should never happen. However for a lot of women, there are many smaller occasions that mean just as much; for instance the anniversary of your first date or the day both of you bought something together. Being able to surprise your lady with little things that you know mean something to her (something she probably figured you took no notice of) can be a major relationship booster. If you have to "cheat" a little bit then get your own personal journal to keep track of these things.
3. Get to Know her People
Women value their relationships. While many men are of the take it or leave it mentality, it is very important to most women that you get to know her family and friends. These are people who make up a special part of her life and by taking the energy and effort to genuinely get to know them, you are showing her how much you love and care for her. They maybe coming from a perspective that you are not crazy about but hang in there. Be open minded and respectful. The chances are that somewhere down the line you will want her to meet your people. Extend the same courtesies to her family and friends that you would expect from her if the situations were reversed.
It's easy to get stuck in a routine and set in our ways. But it's most important to continually show the lady of your life that you love her. Again it doesn't take extravagance. Get to know her people, be mindful of the small big occasions and above all listen. Doing these three things is planting the seeds of long term healthy relationship.
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
His & Hers: How to Share Emotional Space in a Relationship
How much emotional space do you take up in your relationship? Could the amount of emotional space you and your partner take up in the relationship have anything to do with whether your relationship makes it or not? Indeed it does.
Definition of “emotional space”: time and energy spent dealing with or listening to a person’s emotions, words, thoughts, wants, needs, etc.
In terms of the emotional-space dynamic, there are three types of couples:
Type 1 emotional space dynamic: One person in the relationship takes up most of the emotional space.
This is the type of relationship in which one partner seems to be super-involved, expressing most of the feelings and needs in the relationship. This person may seem extreme, emotional, needy, intense, possessive, etc. The other partner in the relationship will seem to be hardly involved and will appear to have hardly any needs at all.
The partner that seems super-involved is often filling up emotional space in the relationship, frequently out of fear that there will not be a relationship if the emotional space is not filled up.
Unfortunately, this is a mistake. The emotional life of the relationship needs to be generated by two people, as equally as possible. Otherwise, you end up with a lopsided relationship and with both people unhappy. One will be unhappy because he or she is always working on or putting into the relationship, and the other will be unhappy because he or she seemingly can‘t get a break from the drama.
What’s more, the person who is taking up the emotional space in the relationship will eventually get burned out and will need to stop. If the lopsided relationship has been going on for too long, it may simply fall apart, because the partners will not be able to shift gears into sharing emotional space.
Type 2 emotional-space dynamic: Both people alternate in how much emotional space they take up, with one of them always taking up too much.
This type of relationship is a version of Type 1 above, except that the couple is more intertwined and involved with each other. This is a positive for the couple but it also makes them more volatile.
In this relationship, one person is always overbearing and the other person is always under-involved. The two of them spend most of the time dealing with each other’s reactions and have little time or energy left for anything else.
These couples get exhausted and burned out and never get the closeness and connection they crave. They may end up being the couple who say, “I love you but can’t live with you” to each other and get away from each other to simply reduce the drama.
Type 3 emotional-space dynamic: Neither person in the relationship takes up much or any emotional space.
This is a relationship in which people reach a minimum level of intimacy and stay there. They may enjoy each other’s company, perhaps see each other on a regular basis, may even be intimate. They may have been together for a long time, or may even be living together or be married. Yet, they do not move deeper into each other’s emotional lives.
For some people, this type of relationship is more than satisfying, more that enough. For others, it is only a satisfactory prelude to the real depth couples are capable of reaching together.
If you are in this type of relationship and it works for you, great. But if you are in this type of relationship and you want more, read the solution section below.
Type 4 emotional-space dynamic: Both people in the relationship take up enough emotional space to feel connected and loved.
Obviously, this is what a healthy relationship looks like. One aspect of a healthy relationship is that both people can stay involved emotionally and flow with the amount of space each one takes up at any given time. Some periods of time may be predominantly about one person, while most of the time the couple will stay fairly balanced. Neither partner will shut out the other or be too far emotionally removed from the relationship at any given time.
What to do if you are in a type 1, 2 or 3 relationships (see above):
Help for Type 1 relationship
``````````````````````````````````````
If you are the person taking up most of the emotional space, stop. By taking up most of the space, you prevent your partner from participating in the relationship. Stop taking up the space by shifting your needs outside the relationship (not infidelity). Instead of talking to your partner, talk to your friends or family, or to your journal. Instead of asking for many needs to be met, ask for only some to be met, or for none to be met for a period of time.
Create a vacuum, so that your partner has something to step into. This means you stop trying to create the connection, stop trying to create spending time together, stop trying to be the center of attention. Step off the relationship stage for a bit and let the stage be empty. It will feel strange and uncomfortable, but it is necessary discomfort. If you will not give your partner the room to participate in the relationship, he or she may look for more connection elsewhere.
Get help in learning how to stop taking up so much emotional space. Hire a good therapist or a relationship coach to work on this. You may also need help as a couple in learning how to share the emotional space and in teaching your partner how to take up more space or step up more in the relationship.
Help for Type 2 relationship
````````````````````````````````````
Stop the drama. The key for both of you is to tone down a bit all of your emotions, needs, wants, upsets, etc. The two of you must learn to soothe and balance yourselves emotionally, so that no matter what happens, your reactions are minimal. The two of you must learn that you are adults and are OK no matter what.
If you stop having reactions or tone yours down and your partner continues his or hers, let him or her go on with this for a while. There maybe a time adjustment during which the two of you don’t quite know what to do in your relationship.
The key is to learn to relate to each other in a more subtle, loving and calm way.
This may sound simple, but in fact it is difficult to do. Get help from a coach or a therapist on how to stop the drama and balance your relationship.
Help for Type 3 relationship
`````````````````````````````````
If you are in a relationship in which neither one of you takes up too much emotional space or gives too much emotionally, the two of you will eventually drift apart. If you want to keep the relationship, it’s time to invest more of yourself in it and invite your partner to invest more as well.
But do not cross over into Type 1 relationship and take up all of the emotional space. Do go slowly; perhaps begin by sharing some small part of yourself you have been holding back. Be a bit more open and a bit more authentic in your responses. Take small emotional risks and see if your partner will follow.
Do be aware that your partner may not want to follow you into deeper emotional waters – some people are highly uncomfortable being close. If this is the case, you will need to choose whether you want to continue the relationship or not. You will need to decide how emotionally close a relationship you ultimately want to have with your life mate.
Here’s what you want to shoot for in your relationship in terms of healthy emotional behavior and space:
• You and your partner can be yourselves with each other and appreciate each other’s quirks.
• You and your partner always ask each other the things you want to know.
• You can bring up any subject, including the relationship, and your partner will talk to you about it – maybe not gladly, but your partner will talk to you and try to resolve whatever issues you bring up. Sometimes your partner brings up issues.
• You and your partner can ask for what you need from each other. This doesn’t mean either one of you always gets your way, but you can ask and be heard.
• Your partner knows you. You feel seen and appreciated.
• You know your partner. He feels seen and appreciated.
• You love and adore each other.
• You are still hot for each other.
• You can give each other space and time to do things without each other.
As in all things, when it comes to emotional space in relationships, balance the key. Work on balancing the amount of emotional space your take up in your relationship by working on being emotionally mature, so that both of you get to be yourself and be happy together.
Definition of “emotional space”: time and energy spent dealing with or listening to a person’s emotions, words, thoughts, wants, needs, etc.
In terms of the emotional-space dynamic, there are three types of couples:
Type 1 emotional space dynamic: One person in the relationship takes up most of the emotional space.
This is the type of relationship in which one partner seems to be super-involved, expressing most of the feelings and needs in the relationship. This person may seem extreme, emotional, needy, intense, possessive, etc. The other partner in the relationship will seem to be hardly involved and will appear to have hardly any needs at all.
The partner that seems super-involved is often filling up emotional space in the relationship, frequently out of fear that there will not be a relationship if the emotional space is not filled up.
Unfortunately, this is a mistake. The emotional life of the relationship needs to be generated by two people, as equally as possible. Otherwise, you end up with a lopsided relationship and with both people unhappy. One will be unhappy because he or she is always working on or putting into the relationship, and the other will be unhappy because he or she seemingly can‘t get a break from the drama.
What’s more, the person who is taking up the emotional space in the relationship will eventually get burned out and will need to stop. If the lopsided relationship has been going on for too long, it may simply fall apart, because the partners will not be able to shift gears into sharing emotional space.
Type 2 emotional-space dynamic: Both people alternate in how much emotional space they take up, with one of them always taking up too much.
This type of relationship is a version of Type 1 above, except that the couple is more intertwined and involved with each other. This is a positive for the couple but it also makes them more volatile.
In this relationship, one person is always overbearing and the other person is always under-involved. The two of them spend most of the time dealing with each other’s reactions and have little time or energy left for anything else.
These couples get exhausted and burned out and never get the closeness and connection they crave. They may end up being the couple who say, “I love you but can’t live with you” to each other and get away from each other to simply reduce the drama.
Type 3 emotional-space dynamic: Neither person in the relationship takes up much or any emotional space.
This is a relationship in which people reach a minimum level of intimacy and stay there. They may enjoy each other’s company, perhaps see each other on a regular basis, may even be intimate. They may have been together for a long time, or may even be living together or be married. Yet, they do not move deeper into each other’s emotional lives.
For some people, this type of relationship is more than satisfying, more that enough. For others, it is only a satisfactory prelude to the real depth couples are capable of reaching together.
If you are in this type of relationship and it works for you, great. But if you are in this type of relationship and you want more, read the solution section below.
Type 4 emotional-space dynamic: Both people in the relationship take up enough emotional space to feel connected and loved.
Obviously, this is what a healthy relationship looks like. One aspect of a healthy relationship is that both people can stay involved emotionally and flow with the amount of space each one takes up at any given time. Some periods of time may be predominantly about one person, while most of the time the couple will stay fairly balanced. Neither partner will shut out the other or be too far emotionally removed from the relationship at any given time.
What to do if you are in a type 1, 2 or 3 relationships (see above):
Help for Type 1 relationship
``````````````````````````````````````
If you are the person taking up most of the emotional space, stop. By taking up most of the space, you prevent your partner from participating in the relationship. Stop taking up the space by shifting your needs outside the relationship (not infidelity). Instead of talking to your partner, talk to your friends or family, or to your journal. Instead of asking for many needs to be met, ask for only some to be met, or for none to be met for a period of time.
Create a vacuum, so that your partner has something to step into. This means you stop trying to create the connection, stop trying to create spending time together, stop trying to be the center of attention. Step off the relationship stage for a bit and let the stage be empty. It will feel strange and uncomfortable, but it is necessary discomfort. If you will not give your partner the room to participate in the relationship, he or she may look for more connection elsewhere.
Get help in learning how to stop taking up so much emotional space. Hire a good therapist or a relationship coach to work on this. You may also need help as a couple in learning how to share the emotional space and in teaching your partner how to take up more space or step up more in the relationship.
Help for Type 2 relationship
````````````````````````````````````
Stop the drama. The key for both of you is to tone down a bit all of your emotions, needs, wants, upsets, etc. The two of you must learn to soothe and balance yourselves emotionally, so that no matter what happens, your reactions are minimal. The two of you must learn that you are adults and are OK no matter what.
If you stop having reactions or tone yours down and your partner continues his or hers, let him or her go on with this for a while. There maybe a time adjustment during which the two of you don’t quite know what to do in your relationship.
The key is to learn to relate to each other in a more subtle, loving and calm way.
This may sound simple, but in fact it is difficult to do. Get help from a coach or a therapist on how to stop the drama and balance your relationship.
Help for Type 3 relationship
`````````````````````````````````
If you are in a relationship in which neither one of you takes up too much emotional space or gives too much emotionally, the two of you will eventually drift apart. If you want to keep the relationship, it’s time to invest more of yourself in it and invite your partner to invest more as well.
But do not cross over into Type 1 relationship and take up all of the emotional space. Do go slowly; perhaps begin by sharing some small part of yourself you have been holding back. Be a bit more open and a bit more authentic in your responses. Take small emotional risks and see if your partner will follow.
Do be aware that your partner may not want to follow you into deeper emotional waters – some people are highly uncomfortable being close. If this is the case, you will need to choose whether you want to continue the relationship or not. You will need to decide how emotionally close a relationship you ultimately want to have with your life mate.
Here’s what you want to shoot for in your relationship in terms of healthy emotional behavior and space:
• You and your partner can be yourselves with each other and appreciate each other’s quirks.
• You and your partner always ask each other the things you want to know.
• You can bring up any subject, including the relationship, and your partner will talk to you about it – maybe not gladly, but your partner will talk to you and try to resolve whatever issues you bring up. Sometimes your partner brings up issues.
• You and your partner can ask for what you need from each other. This doesn’t mean either one of you always gets your way, but you can ask and be heard.
• Your partner knows you. You feel seen and appreciated.
• You know your partner. He feels seen and appreciated.
• You love and adore each other.
• You are still hot for each other.
• You can give each other space and time to do things without each other.
As in all things, when it comes to emotional space in relationships, balance the key. Work on balancing the amount of emotional space your take up in your relationship by working on being emotionally mature, so that both of you get to be yourself and be happy together.
Are you affair-prone? 5 conditions that can lead to an affair
An affair takes an enormous emotional, physical and spiritual toll on any committed relationship. The very foundation that a relationship is built upon—trust, commitment and loyalty—are shattered, and the post-affair relationship is sometimes unsalvageable because the sense of betrayal runs so deep.
In most instances, affairs don’t happen without warning signs. The person contemplating an affair doesn’t wake up one morning and on the spot decide to betray his/her partner. Becoming affair-prone occurs gradually, and often people are unaware that the seeds of infidelity are being planted.
It is impossible to accurately predict if a person will decide to cheat on his/her partner. There are, however, certain conditions that, if set in motion, can lead to you or your partner becoming affair-prone.
Despite our best intentions at the start of the relationship, under certain circumstances (sometimes painful, extenuating ones), almost anyone can be vulnerable to having an affair. Therefore, becoming aware of the conditions that lead to this vulnerability should be a priority for all relationships.
5 conditions that can make you or your partner affair-prone:
A misunderstanding of normal relationship phases. All relationships and marriages go through a series of changes, some painful. For instance, relationships often begin in the honeymoon phase, where excitement, passion and an intense connection with your partner is the norm. Around the two-year mark (this varies from couple to couple), your relationship leaves this blissful phase and enters a stage where conflict and disagreements are more likely. The personality differences between you and your partner become more apparent and you may find that the relationship is starting to feel like a series of painful compromises and negotiations. It is easy to feel disillusioned and affair-prone at this point, especially if you misinterpret these inevitable changes as evidence that you’re with the wrong person.
Avoidance of important issues. Failure to address issues that are important to you or your partner can erode intimacy and cause you to feel lonely. It is a painful irony to feel alone while in a relationship that is meant to offer intimacy and connection. Lily from San Diego described the destructive effects of avoiding important relationship issues:
“I told my husband over and over that I felt ignored by him. I wanted to spend more time with him every day, and I needed him to be more affectionate with me. But every time I tried to talk to him about this, he became angry and said we have a good relationship and there is nothing to complain about. Over the course of our three-year marriage I began to develop a close friendship with a male coworker and I started fantasizing about being with him…I felt trapped.”
Ignoring each other’s needs has a cumulative effect—feelings of neglect, hopelessness and resentment slowly build and drive a wedge between you and your partner. When your needs continually go unmet and a sense of futility sets in, you will be vulnerable to having your emotional and physical needs met outside the relationship.
Becoming passive about passion. The passion between you and your partner will not remain steady throughout the life of the relationship. Very often relationships start in sexual overdrive. Over the years, this degree of passion levels off and you may find that the practicalities and mundane aspects of life have replaced the intense fire that once existed.
If the physical and sensual aspects of your relationship are ignored for extended periods of time, your relationship will suffer. If you believe that your relationship should remain spontaneously passionate, without effort (like when you and your partner were first dating or married), then you erroneously believe that the sexual energy that once existed cannot return. It may feel that the only path back to passion is outside of your relationship. The antidote to this affair-inducing mindset is for you and your partner to actively take steps to increase the passion in your relationship, something all couples must do at some point.
The opposite-sex “friend” phenomenon. When you prefer to get your emotional needs met from a “friend” of the opposite sex, rather than your partner, you have moved into an affair-prone danger zone. There are several reasons why you may take this path: the friend gives you the attention you no longer receive from your partner; this friend supports and affirms you in ways your partner used to but no longer does; you feel recharged by any feelings of physical attraction you may have toward this friend. Friendships should complement your marriage (or romantic relationship), not replace it.
Rule of thumb: If you say things to this friend that you wouldn’t say if your partner were in the room, you’re headed down the road of becoming affair-prone.
Negative relationship role models. For better or for worse, we’ve learned how to be in relationships from observing the unions that surrounded us throughout our lives. If you grew up in a family where loyalty and commitment were top priorities, and conflicts were dealt with rather than swept away, you’re apt to bring these pro-relationship qualities to your marriage or relationship. If, on the other hand, you observed infidelity, deceit and a lack of commitment, you may struggle with similar patterns, especially when your relationship hits a rough spot. This does not mean that you are destined to repeat the same affair-prone behaviors as your parents or caregivers. Awareness of these early negative relationship patterns and remaining mindful of how they influence your behavior will give you the means to creating a committed relationship where intimacy is a priority.
Couples are often faced with any one of the above five issues at some point in the course of their relationship. This is to be expected. However, when most (or all) of these conditions are in place, you (or your partner) have entered an affair-prone danger zone. Become conscious of these conditions and discuss this with your partner. This type of focused, active awareness will help you and your partner uproot affair-prone tendencies and replace them with the seeds of commitment and loyalty.
In most instances, affairs don’t happen without warning signs. The person contemplating an affair doesn’t wake up one morning and on the spot decide to betray his/her partner. Becoming affair-prone occurs gradually, and often people are unaware that the seeds of infidelity are being planted.
It is impossible to accurately predict if a person will decide to cheat on his/her partner. There are, however, certain conditions that, if set in motion, can lead to you or your partner becoming affair-prone.
Despite our best intentions at the start of the relationship, under certain circumstances (sometimes painful, extenuating ones), almost anyone can be vulnerable to having an affair. Therefore, becoming aware of the conditions that lead to this vulnerability should be a priority for all relationships.
5 conditions that can make you or your partner affair-prone:
A misunderstanding of normal relationship phases. All relationships and marriages go through a series of changes, some painful. For instance, relationships often begin in the honeymoon phase, where excitement, passion and an intense connection with your partner is the norm. Around the two-year mark (this varies from couple to couple), your relationship leaves this blissful phase and enters a stage where conflict and disagreements are more likely. The personality differences between you and your partner become more apparent and you may find that the relationship is starting to feel like a series of painful compromises and negotiations. It is easy to feel disillusioned and affair-prone at this point, especially if you misinterpret these inevitable changes as evidence that you’re with the wrong person.
Avoidance of important issues. Failure to address issues that are important to you or your partner can erode intimacy and cause you to feel lonely. It is a painful irony to feel alone while in a relationship that is meant to offer intimacy and connection. Lily from San Diego described the destructive effects of avoiding important relationship issues:
“I told my husband over and over that I felt ignored by him. I wanted to spend more time with him every day, and I needed him to be more affectionate with me. But every time I tried to talk to him about this, he became angry and said we have a good relationship and there is nothing to complain about. Over the course of our three-year marriage I began to develop a close friendship with a male coworker and I started fantasizing about being with him…I felt trapped.”
Ignoring each other’s needs has a cumulative effect—feelings of neglect, hopelessness and resentment slowly build and drive a wedge between you and your partner. When your needs continually go unmet and a sense of futility sets in, you will be vulnerable to having your emotional and physical needs met outside the relationship.
Becoming passive about passion. The passion between you and your partner will not remain steady throughout the life of the relationship. Very often relationships start in sexual overdrive. Over the years, this degree of passion levels off and you may find that the practicalities and mundane aspects of life have replaced the intense fire that once existed.
If the physical and sensual aspects of your relationship are ignored for extended periods of time, your relationship will suffer. If you believe that your relationship should remain spontaneously passionate, without effort (like when you and your partner were first dating or married), then you erroneously believe that the sexual energy that once existed cannot return. It may feel that the only path back to passion is outside of your relationship. The antidote to this affair-inducing mindset is for you and your partner to actively take steps to increase the passion in your relationship, something all couples must do at some point.
The opposite-sex “friend” phenomenon. When you prefer to get your emotional needs met from a “friend” of the opposite sex, rather than your partner, you have moved into an affair-prone danger zone. There are several reasons why you may take this path: the friend gives you the attention you no longer receive from your partner; this friend supports and affirms you in ways your partner used to but no longer does; you feel recharged by any feelings of physical attraction you may have toward this friend. Friendships should complement your marriage (or romantic relationship), not replace it.
Rule of thumb: If you say things to this friend that you wouldn’t say if your partner were in the room, you’re headed down the road of becoming affair-prone.
Negative relationship role models. For better or for worse, we’ve learned how to be in relationships from observing the unions that surrounded us throughout our lives. If you grew up in a family where loyalty and commitment were top priorities, and conflicts were dealt with rather than swept away, you’re apt to bring these pro-relationship qualities to your marriage or relationship. If, on the other hand, you observed infidelity, deceit and a lack of commitment, you may struggle with similar patterns, especially when your relationship hits a rough spot. This does not mean that you are destined to repeat the same affair-prone behaviors as your parents or caregivers. Awareness of these early negative relationship patterns and remaining mindful of how they influence your behavior will give you the means to creating a committed relationship where intimacy is a priority.
Couples are often faced with any one of the above five issues at some point in the course of their relationship. This is to be expected. However, when most (or all) of these conditions are in place, you (or your partner) have entered an affair-prone danger zone. Become conscious of these conditions and discuss this with your partner. This type of focused, active awareness will help you and your partner uproot affair-prone tendencies and replace them with the seeds of commitment and loyalty.
How to Sexually Pleasure Yourself and Lover Even Better!
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