On an episode of Leave It Beaver (yes really) the following exchange took place between June and Ward Cleaver:
June: How come you don't bring me flowers anymore?
Ward: Dear, that's like running for the bus after you already caught it.
Ouch. Needless to say this answer did not thrill June. Unfortunately many men understand all to well where Ward is coming from and agree with him one hundred percent. This doesn't just apply to married couples or even a fictitious married couple. Many a dating relationship has become familiar to the point of routine. To many women this represents a form of arrogance. It is like saying, "I got you now so why should I exert anymore effort?" That's a recipe for trouble somewhere down the road.
You don't have to go overboard either by taking her to a fancy restaurant every other day or going on vacations that you cannot afford. Mind you those things help but with women, it is sometimes the little things that mean the most. Little things like:
1. Listening
The lack of communication can be very frustrating to women but not listening can really get their dander up. Many of us have been accused of concentrating more on whatever was on television than our wives and girlfriends. To a large degree it's true. Most women like to talk about personal matters that have a direct bearing on their lives, their family or friends. What's on TV at that time is irrelevant. Show that you appreciate her by listening. Don't just wait for her to start talking. Initiate the conversation sometimes, and then listen carefully not only to what she says but her body language as well. This is not a one shot deal. Listening to her on a steady basis can only help your relationship.
2. The Small Occasion Celebration
We've all seen the shows where the woman gets upset because the husband forgets their anniversary or birthday. That quite honestly should never happen. However for a lot of women, there are many smaller occasions that mean just as much; for instance the anniversary of your first date or the day both of you bought something together. Being able to surprise your lady with little things that you know mean something to her (something she probably figured you took no notice of) can be a major relationship booster. If you have to "cheat" a little bit then get your own personal journal to keep track of these things.
3. Get to Know her People
Women value their relationships. While many men are of the take it or leave it mentality, it is very important to most women that you get to know her family and friends. These are people who make up a special part of her life and by taking the energy and effort to genuinely get to know them, you are showing her how much you love and care for her. They maybe coming from a perspective that you are not crazy about but hang in there. Be open minded and respectful. The chances are that somewhere down the line you will want her to meet your people. Extend the same courtesies to her family and friends that you would expect from her if the situations were reversed.
It's easy to get stuck in a routine and set in our ways. But it's most important to continually show the lady of your life that you love her. Again it doesn't take extravagance. Get to know her people, be mindful of the small big occasions and above all listen. Doing these three things is planting the seeds of long term healthy relationship.
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
His & Hers: How to Share Emotional Space in a Relationship
How much emotional space do you take up in your relationship? Could the amount of emotional space you and your partner take up in the relationship have anything to do with whether your relationship makes it or not? Indeed it does.
Definition of “emotional space”: time and energy spent dealing with or listening to a person’s emotions, words, thoughts, wants, needs, etc.
In terms of the emotional-space dynamic, there are three types of couples:
Type 1 emotional space dynamic: One person in the relationship takes up most of the emotional space.
This is the type of relationship in which one partner seems to be super-involved, expressing most of the feelings and needs in the relationship. This person may seem extreme, emotional, needy, intense, possessive, etc. The other partner in the relationship will seem to be hardly involved and will appear to have hardly any needs at all.
The partner that seems super-involved is often filling up emotional space in the relationship, frequently out of fear that there will not be a relationship if the emotional space is not filled up.
Unfortunately, this is a mistake. The emotional life of the relationship needs to be generated by two people, as equally as possible. Otherwise, you end up with a lopsided relationship and with both people unhappy. One will be unhappy because he or she is always working on or putting into the relationship, and the other will be unhappy because he or she seemingly can‘t get a break from the drama.
What’s more, the person who is taking up the emotional space in the relationship will eventually get burned out and will need to stop. If the lopsided relationship has been going on for too long, it may simply fall apart, because the partners will not be able to shift gears into sharing emotional space.
Type 2 emotional-space dynamic: Both people alternate in how much emotional space they take up, with one of them always taking up too much.
This type of relationship is a version of Type 1 above, except that the couple is more intertwined and involved with each other. This is a positive for the couple but it also makes them more volatile.
In this relationship, one person is always overbearing and the other person is always under-involved. The two of them spend most of the time dealing with each other’s reactions and have little time or energy left for anything else.
These couples get exhausted and burned out and never get the closeness and connection they crave. They may end up being the couple who say, “I love you but can’t live with you” to each other and get away from each other to simply reduce the drama.
Type 3 emotional-space dynamic: Neither person in the relationship takes up much or any emotional space.
This is a relationship in which people reach a minimum level of intimacy and stay there. They may enjoy each other’s company, perhaps see each other on a regular basis, may even be intimate. They may have been together for a long time, or may even be living together or be married. Yet, they do not move deeper into each other’s emotional lives.
For some people, this type of relationship is more than satisfying, more that enough. For others, it is only a satisfactory prelude to the real depth couples are capable of reaching together.
If you are in this type of relationship and it works for you, great. But if you are in this type of relationship and you want more, read the solution section below.
Type 4 emotional-space dynamic: Both people in the relationship take up enough emotional space to feel connected and loved.
Obviously, this is what a healthy relationship looks like. One aspect of a healthy relationship is that both people can stay involved emotionally and flow with the amount of space each one takes up at any given time. Some periods of time may be predominantly about one person, while most of the time the couple will stay fairly balanced. Neither partner will shut out the other or be too far emotionally removed from the relationship at any given time.
What to do if you are in a type 1, 2 or 3 relationships (see above):
Help for Type 1 relationship
``````````````````````````````````````
If you are the person taking up most of the emotional space, stop. By taking up most of the space, you prevent your partner from participating in the relationship. Stop taking up the space by shifting your needs outside the relationship (not infidelity). Instead of talking to your partner, talk to your friends or family, or to your journal. Instead of asking for many needs to be met, ask for only some to be met, or for none to be met for a period of time.
Create a vacuum, so that your partner has something to step into. This means you stop trying to create the connection, stop trying to create spending time together, stop trying to be the center of attention. Step off the relationship stage for a bit and let the stage be empty. It will feel strange and uncomfortable, but it is necessary discomfort. If you will not give your partner the room to participate in the relationship, he or she may look for more connection elsewhere.
Get help in learning how to stop taking up so much emotional space. Hire a good therapist or a relationship coach to work on this. You may also need help as a couple in learning how to share the emotional space and in teaching your partner how to take up more space or step up more in the relationship.
Help for Type 2 relationship
````````````````````````````````````
Stop the drama. The key for both of you is to tone down a bit all of your emotions, needs, wants, upsets, etc. The two of you must learn to soothe and balance yourselves emotionally, so that no matter what happens, your reactions are minimal. The two of you must learn that you are adults and are OK no matter what.
If you stop having reactions or tone yours down and your partner continues his or hers, let him or her go on with this for a while. There maybe a time adjustment during which the two of you don’t quite know what to do in your relationship.
The key is to learn to relate to each other in a more subtle, loving and calm way.
This may sound simple, but in fact it is difficult to do. Get help from a coach or a therapist on how to stop the drama and balance your relationship.
Help for Type 3 relationship
`````````````````````````````````
If you are in a relationship in which neither one of you takes up too much emotional space or gives too much emotionally, the two of you will eventually drift apart. If you want to keep the relationship, it’s time to invest more of yourself in it and invite your partner to invest more as well.
But do not cross over into Type 1 relationship and take up all of the emotional space. Do go slowly; perhaps begin by sharing some small part of yourself you have been holding back. Be a bit more open and a bit more authentic in your responses. Take small emotional risks and see if your partner will follow.
Do be aware that your partner may not want to follow you into deeper emotional waters – some people are highly uncomfortable being close. If this is the case, you will need to choose whether you want to continue the relationship or not. You will need to decide how emotionally close a relationship you ultimately want to have with your life mate.
Here’s what you want to shoot for in your relationship in terms of healthy emotional behavior and space:
• You and your partner can be yourselves with each other and appreciate each other’s quirks.
• You and your partner always ask each other the things you want to know.
• You can bring up any subject, including the relationship, and your partner will talk to you about it – maybe not gladly, but your partner will talk to you and try to resolve whatever issues you bring up. Sometimes your partner brings up issues.
• You and your partner can ask for what you need from each other. This doesn’t mean either one of you always gets your way, but you can ask and be heard.
• Your partner knows you. You feel seen and appreciated.
• You know your partner. He feels seen and appreciated.
• You love and adore each other.
• You are still hot for each other.
• You can give each other space and time to do things without each other.
As in all things, when it comes to emotional space in relationships, balance the key. Work on balancing the amount of emotional space your take up in your relationship by working on being emotionally mature, so that both of you get to be yourself and be happy together.
Definition of “emotional space”: time and energy spent dealing with or listening to a person’s emotions, words, thoughts, wants, needs, etc.
In terms of the emotional-space dynamic, there are three types of couples:
Type 1 emotional space dynamic: One person in the relationship takes up most of the emotional space.
This is the type of relationship in which one partner seems to be super-involved, expressing most of the feelings and needs in the relationship. This person may seem extreme, emotional, needy, intense, possessive, etc. The other partner in the relationship will seem to be hardly involved and will appear to have hardly any needs at all.
The partner that seems super-involved is often filling up emotional space in the relationship, frequently out of fear that there will not be a relationship if the emotional space is not filled up.
Unfortunately, this is a mistake. The emotional life of the relationship needs to be generated by two people, as equally as possible. Otherwise, you end up with a lopsided relationship and with both people unhappy. One will be unhappy because he or she is always working on or putting into the relationship, and the other will be unhappy because he or she seemingly can‘t get a break from the drama.
What’s more, the person who is taking up the emotional space in the relationship will eventually get burned out and will need to stop. If the lopsided relationship has been going on for too long, it may simply fall apart, because the partners will not be able to shift gears into sharing emotional space.
Type 2 emotional-space dynamic: Both people alternate in how much emotional space they take up, with one of them always taking up too much.
This type of relationship is a version of Type 1 above, except that the couple is more intertwined and involved with each other. This is a positive for the couple but it also makes them more volatile.
In this relationship, one person is always overbearing and the other person is always under-involved. The two of them spend most of the time dealing with each other’s reactions and have little time or energy left for anything else.
These couples get exhausted and burned out and never get the closeness and connection they crave. They may end up being the couple who say, “I love you but can’t live with you” to each other and get away from each other to simply reduce the drama.
Type 3 emotional-space dynamic: Neither person in the relationship takes up much or any emotional space.
This is a relationship in which people reach a minimum level of intimacy and stay there. They may enjoy each other’s company, perhaps see each other on a regular basis, may even be intimate. They may have been together for a long time, or may even be living together or be married. Yet, they do not move deeper into each other’s emotional lives.
For some people, this type of relationship is more than satisfying, more that enough. For others, it is only a satisfactory prelude to the real depth couples are capable of reaching together.
If you are in this type of relationship and it works for you, great. But if you are in this type of relationship and you want more, read the solution section below.
Type 4 emotional-space dynamic: Both people in the relationship take up enough emotional space to feel connected and loved.
Obviously, this is what a healthy relationship looks like. One aspect of a healthy relationship is that both people can stay involved emotionally and flow with the amount of space each one takes up at any given time. Some periods of time may be predominantly about one person, while most of the time the couple will stay fairly balanced. Neither partner will shut out the other or be too far emotionally removed from the relationship at any given time.
What to do if you are in a type 1, 2 or 3 relationships (see above):
Help for Type 1 relationship
``````````````````````````````````````
If you are the person taking up most of the emotional space, stop. By taking up most of the space, you prevent your partner from participating in the relationship. Stop taking up the space by shifting your needs outside the relationship (not infidelity). Instead of talking to your partner, talk to your friends or family, or to your journal. Instead of asking for many needs to be met, ask for only some to be met, or for none to be met for a period of time.
Create a vacuum, so that your partner has something to step into. This means you stop trying to create the connection, stop trying to create spending time together, stop trying to be the center of attention. Step off the relationship stage for a bit and let the stage be empty. It will feel strange and uncomfortable, but it is necessary discomfort. If you will not give your partner the room to participate in the relationship, he or she may look for more connection elsewhere.
Get help in learning how to stop taking up so much emotional space. Hire a good therapist or a relationship coach to work on this. You may also need help as a couple in learning how to share the emotional space and in teaching your partner how to take up more space or step up more in the relationship.
Help for Type 2 relationship
````````````````````````````````````
Stop the drama. The key for both of you is to tone down a bit all of your emotions, needs, wants, upsets, etc. The two of you must learn to soothe and balance yourselves emotionally, so that no matter what happens, your reactions are minimal. The two of you must learn that you are adults and are OK no matter what.
If you stop having reactions or tone yours down and your partner continues his or hers, let him or her go on with this for a while. There maybe a time adjustment during which the two of you don’t quite know what to do in your relationship.
The key is to learn to relate to each other in a more subtle, loving and calm way.
This may sound simple, but in fact it is difficult to do. Get help from a coach or a therapist on how to stop the drama and balance your relationship.
Help for Type 3 relationship
`````````````````````````````````
If you are in a relationship in which neither one of you takes up too much emotional space or gives too much emotionally, the two of you will eventually drift apart. If you want to keep the relationship, it’s time to invest more of yourself in it and invite your partner to invest more as well.
But do not cross over into Type 1 relationship and take up all of the emotional space. Do go slowly; perhaps begin by sharing some small part of yourself you have been holding back. Be a bit more open and a bit more authentic in your responses. Take small emotional risks and see if your partner will follow.
Do be aware that your partner may not want to follow you into deeper emotional waters – some people are highly uncomfortable being close. If this is the case, you will need to choose whether you want to continue the relationship or not. You will need to decide how emotionally close a relationship you ultimately want to have with your life mate.
Here’s what you want to shoot for in your relationship in terms of healthy emotional behavior and space:
• You and your partner can be yourselves with each other and appreciate each other’s quirks.
• You and your partner always ask each other the things you want to know.
• You can bring up any subject, including the relationship, and your partner will talk to you about it – maybe not gladly, but your partner will talk to you and try to resolve whatever issues you bring up. Sometimes your partner brings up issues.
• You and your partner can ask for what you need from each other. This doesn’t mean either one of you always gets your way, but you can ask and be heard.
• Your partner knows you. You feel seen and appreciated.
• You know your partner. He feels seen and appreciated.
• You love and adore each other.
• You are still hot for each other.
• You can give each other space and time to do things without each other.
As in all things, when it comes to emotional space in relationships, balance the key. Work on balancing the amount of emotional space your take up in your relationship by working on being emotionally mature, so that both of you get to be yourself and be happy together.
Are you affair-prone? 5 conditions that can lead to an affair
An affair takes an enormous emotional, physical and spiritual toll on any committed relationship. The very foundation that a relationship is built upon—trust, commitment and loyalty—are shattered, and the post-affair relationship is sometimes unsalvageable because the sense of betrayal runs so deep.
In most instances, affairs don’t happen without warning signs. The person contemplating an affair doesn’t wake up one morning and on the spot decide to betray his/her partner. Becoming affair-prone occurs gradually, and often people are unaware that the seeds of infidelity are being planted.
It is impossible to accurately predict if a person will decide to cheat on his/her partner. There are, however, certain conditions that, if set in motion, can lead to you or your partner becoming affair-prone.
Despite our best intentions at the start of the relationship, under certain circumstances (sometimes painful, extenuating ones), almost anyone can be vulnerable to having an affair. Therefore, becoming aware of the conditions that lead to this vulnerability should be a priority for all relationships.
5 conditions that can make you or your partner affair-prone:
A misunderstanding of normal relationship phases. All relationships and marriages go through a series of changes, some painful. For instance, relationships often begin in the honeymoon phase, where excitement, passion and an intense connection with your partner is the norm. Around the two-year mark (this varies from couple to couple), your relationship leaves this blissful phase and enters a stage where conflict and disagreements are more likely. The personality differences between you and your partner become more apparent and you may find that the relationship is starting to feel like a series of painful compromises and negotiations. It is easy to feel disillusioned and affair-prone at this point, especially if you misinterpret these inevitable changes as evidence that you’re with the wrong person.
Avoidance of important issues. Failure to address issues that are important to you or your partner can erode intimacy and cause you to feel lonely. It is a painful irony to feel alone while in a relationship that is meant to offer intimacy and connection. Lily from San Diego described the destructive effects of avoiding important relationship issues:
“I told my husband over and over that I felt ignored by him. I wanted to spend more time with him every day, and I needed him to be more affectionate with me. But every time I tried to talk to him about this, he became angry and said we have a good relationship and there is nothing to complain about. Over the course of our three-year marriage I began to develop a close friendship with a male coworker and I started fantasizing about being with him…I felt trapped.”
Ignoring each other’s needs has a cumulative effect—feelings of neglect, hopelessness and resentment slowly build and drive a wedge between you and your partner. When your needs continually go unmet and a sense of futility sets in, you will be vulnerable to having your emotional and physical needs met outside the relationship.
Becoming passive about passion. The passion between you and your partner will not remain steady throughout the life of the relationship. Very often relationships start in sexual overdrive. Over the years, this degree of passion levels off and you may find that the practicalities and mundane aspects of life have replaced the intense fire that once existed.
If the physical and sensual aspects of your relationship are ignored for extended periods of time, your relationship will suffer. If you believe that your relationship should remain spontaneously passionate, without effort (like when you and your partner were first dating or married), then you erroneously believe that the sexual energy that once existed cannot return. It may feel that the only path back to passion is outside of your relationship. The antidote to this affair-inducing mindset is for you and your partner to actively take steps to increase the passion in your relationship, something all couples must do at some point.
The opposite-sex “friend” phenomenon. When you prefer to get your emotional needs met from a “friend” of the opposite sex, rather than your partner, you have moved into an affair-prone danger zone. There are several reasons why you may take this path: the friend gives you the attention you no longer receive from your partner; this friend supports and affirms you in ways your partner used to but no longer does; you feel recharged by any feelings of physical attraction you may have toward this friend. Friendships should complement your marriage (or romantic relationship), not replace it.
Rule of thumb: If you say things to this friend that you wouldn’t say if your partner were in the room, you’re headed down the road of becoming affair-prone.
Negative relationship role models. For better or for worse, we’ve learned how to be in relationships from observing the unions that surrounded us throughout our lives. If you grew up in a family where loyalty and commitment were top priorities, and conflicts were dealt with rather than swept away, you’re apt to bring these pro-relationship qualities to your marriage or relationship. If, on the other hand, you observed infidelity, deceit and a lack of commitment, you may struggle with similar patterns, especially when your relationship hits a rough spot. This does not mean that you are destined to repeat the same affair-prone behaviors as your parents or caregivers. Awareness of these early negative relationship patterns and remaining mindful of how they influence your behavior will give you the means to creating a committed relationship where intimacy is a priority.
Couples are often faced with any one of the above five issues at some point in the course of their relationship. This is to be expected. However, when most (or all) of these conditions are in place, you (or your partner) have entered an affair-prone danger zone. Become conscious of these conditions and discuss this with your partner. This type of focused, active awareness will help you and your partner uproot affair-prone tendencies and replace them with the seeds of commitment and loyalty.
In most instances, affairs don’t happen without warning signs. The person contemplating an affair doesn’t wake up one morning and on the spot decide to betray his/her partner. Becoming affair-prone occurs gradually, and often people are unaware that the seeds of infidelity are being planted.
It is impossible to accurately predict if a person will decide to cheat on his/her partner. There are, however, certain conditions that, if set in motion, can lead to you or your partner becoming affair-prone.
Despite our best intentions at the start of the relationship, under certain circumstances (sometimes painful, extenuating ones), almost anyone can be vulnerable to having an affair. Therefore, becoming aware of the conditions that lead to this vulnerability should be a priority for all relationships.
5 conditions that can make you or your partner affair-prone:
A misunderstanding of normal relationship phases. All relationships and marriages go through a series of changes, some painful. For instance, relationships often begin in the honeymoon phase, where excitement, passion and an intense connection with your partner is the norm. Around the two-year mark (this varies from couple to couple), your relationship leaves this blissful phase and enters a stage where conflict and disagreements are more likely. The personality differences between you and your partner become more apparent and you may find that the relationship is starting to feel like a series of painful compromises and negotiations. It is easy to feel disillusioned and affair-prone at this point, especially if you misinterpret these inevitable changes as evidence that you’re with the wrong person.
Avoidance of important issues. Failure to address issues that are important to you or your partner can erode intimacy and cause you to feel lonely. It is a painful irony to feel alone while in a relationship that is meant to offer intimacy and connection. Lily from San Diego described the destructive effects of avoiding important relationship issues:
“I told my husband over and over that I felt ignored by him. I wanted to spend more time with him every day, and I needed him to be more affectionate with me. But every time I tried to talk to him about this, he became angry and said we have a good relationship and there is nothing to complain about. Over the course of our three-year marriage I began to develop a close friendship with a male coworker and I started fantasizing about being with him…I felt trapped.”
Ignoring each other’s needs has a cumulative effect—feelings of neglect, hopelessness and resentment slowly build and drive a wedge between you and your partner. When your needs continually go unmet and a sense of futility sets in, you will be vulnerable to having your emotional and physical needs met outside the relationship.
Becoming passive about passion. The passion between you and your partner will not remain steady throughout the life of the relationship. Very often relationships start in sexual overdrive. Over the years, this degree of passion levels off and you may find that the practicalities and mundane aspects of life have replaced the intense fire that once existed.
If the physical and sensual aspects of your relationship are ignored for extended periods of time, your relationship will suffer. If you believe that your relationship should remain spontaneously passionate, without effort (like when you and your partner were first dating or married), then you erroneously believe that the sexual energy that once existed cannot return. It may feel that the only path back to passion is outside of your relationship. The antidote to this affair-inducing mindset is for you and your partner to actively take steps to increase the passion in your relationship, something all couples must do at some point.
The opposite-sex “friend” phenomenon. When you prefer to get your emotional needs met from a “friend” of the opposite sex, rather than your partner, you have moved into an affair-prone danger zone. There are several reasons why you may take this path: the friend gives you the attention you no longer receive from your partner; this friend supports and affirms you in ways your partner used to but no longer does; you feel recharged by any feelings of physical attraction you may have toward this friend. Friendships should complement your marriage (or romantic relationship), not replace it.
Rule of thumb: If you say things to this friend that you wouldn’t say if your partner were in the room, you’re headed down the road of becoming affair-prone.
Negative relationship role models. For better or for worse, we’ve learned how to be in relationships from observing the unions that surrounded us throughout our lives. If you grew up in a family where loyalty and commitment were top priorities, and conflicts were dealt with rather than swept away, you’re apt to bring these pro-relationship qualities to your marriage or relationship. If, on the other hand, you observed infidelity, deceit and a lack of commitment, you may struggle with similar patterns, especially when your relationship hits a rough spot. This does not mean that you are destined to repeat the same affair-prone behaviors as your parents or caregivers. Awareness of these early negative relationship patterns and remaining mindful of how they influence your behavior will give you the means to creating a committed relationship where intimacy is a priority.
Couples are often faced with any one of the above five issues at some point in the course of their relationship. This is to be expected. However, when most (or all) of these conditions are in place, you (or your partner) have entered an affair-prone danger zone. Become conscious of these conditions and discuss this with your partner. This type of focused, active awareness will help you and your partner uproot affair-prone tendencies and replace them with the seeds of commitment and loyalty.
How to Sexually Pleasure Yourself and Lover Even Better!
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Forgive and Forget - Move on With Life
But, of late I have realised that by forgiving people we are doing a great favour to ourselves. We are not allowing the hurtful acts of a wrong doer to take roots in our mind. By this, we are eventually preventing them from destroying our happiness. This is the lesson I learnt after my divorce. By forgiving my ex spouse I was able to forget the past. This helped me pick up the fragmented pieces of my life and move ahead. And, till this realisation dawned on me, my divorce was like a heavy weight impeding my peace. It prevented me from letting go of the past grief. I was miserable when I realised that the very purpose of my divorce was wasted. I had divorced in quest of happiness. But, the quantum of my unhappiness did not mitigate even after divorce. I might have continued remaining bitterly unhappy had I not learnt the art of practicing forgiveness.
How to Forgive and Forget
Forgiving people is a conscious decision you make. Contrary to what people say forgiveness is a very selfish act. You are wasting precious time (plenty of man hours of it) and energy in thinking of your ex spouse. By pardoning, you are eliminating the person from your thoughts. This will help you get ahead in life with renewed freedom and vigour.
By granting amnesty you are freeing yourself from a state of perpetual anger. This will improve your relationship with your ex spouse who is also the co parent of your children. You can talk more formally and in a business like fashion without vehement anger. This will help you in arriving at proper decisions aimed at child welfare. If you refuse to let go of the past you are ultimately causing untold damage to your children. You will unconsciously try to compete with your ex spouse. Competition creates conflict and this finally hampers your goal of effective co parenting.
Forgiveness is an all comprising term. You should be strong enough to even forgive yourself. It is not uncommon for divorced couples to indulge in thoughts of self blame. Every divorcee feels that maybe, a little patience or tolerance on their part would have prevented the divorce. Forgive yourself for the mistakes you have committed. You can enter the path to recovery only after vindicating yourself and your ex spouse of all blame and mistakes. Divorce would have shattered your life. You have to give plenty of attention to rebuilding your life. This is hardly the time to dwell on the past.
Picking Up the Pieces After a Messy Divorce
Divorce affects life the most because it leaves an impact on every aspect of living. You might be shocked by the many unexpected consequences of this break up. Social relationship with old friends and family members of the ex spouse assume a new meaning. Economic changes make their due impact felt on life. Children develop different behavioural patterns that might leave you perplexed. The daily routine, holidays and special events assume a different hue. Perhaps no other occurrence affects with such great force.
From this chaos and confusion, you are expected to rebuild your life. Avoid thinking of the past and of the future too. Live your present day with courage. Each changed aspect of your life requires your special attention. Have complete faith that the situation will work out to your very best. Life after divorce becomes extremely hectic. Do not just concentrate on self to the exclusion of all other social activities. Form a social support network of friends and family.
Make all effort to heal yourself. And to begin a new life you need to first pardon your spouse as it has a medicinal effect of healing your grieving self. Once you are at peace with yourself dealing with all the changes brought about by divorce turns easy. And you can stay committed to achieving the welfare of your children.
How to Forgive and Forget
Forgiving people is a conscious decision you make. Contrary to what people say forgiveness is a very selfish act. You are wasting precious time (plenty of man hours of it) and energy in thinking of your ex spouse. By pardoning, you are eliminating the person from your thoughts. This will help you get ahead in life with renewed freedom and vigour.
By granting amnesty you are freeing yourself from a state of perpetual anger. This will improve your relationship with your ex spouse who is also the co parent of your children. You can talk more formally and in a business like fashion without vehement anger. This will help you in arriving at proper decisions aimed at child welfare. If you refuse to let go of the past you are ultimately causing untold damage to your children. You will unconsciously try to compete with your ex spouse. Competition creates conflict and this finally hampers your goal of effective co parenting.
Forgiveness is an all comprising term. You should be strong enough to even forgive yourself. It is not uncommon for divorced couples to indulge in thoughts of self blame. Every divorcee feels that maybe, a little patience or tolerance on their part would have prevented the divorce. Forgive yourself for the mistakes you have committed. You can enter the path to recovery only after vindicating yourself and your ex spouse of all blame and mistakes. Divorce would have shattered your life. You have to give plenty of attention to rebuilding your life. This is hardly the time to dwell on the past.
Picking Up the Pieces After a Messy Divorce
Divorce affects life the most because it leaves an impact on every aspect of living. You might be shocked by the many unexpected consequences of this break up. Social relationship with old friends and family members of the ex spouse assume a new meaning. Economic changes make their due impact felt on life. Children develop different behavioural patterns that might leave you perplexed. The daily routine, holidays and special events assume a different hue. Perhaps no other occurrence affects with such great force.
From this chaos and confusion, you are expected to rebuild your life. Avoid thinking of the past and of the future too. Live your present day with courage. Each changed aspect of your life requires your special attention. Have complete faith that the situation will work out to your very best. Life after divorce becomes extremely hectic. Do not just concentrate on self to the exclusion of all other social activities. Form a social support network of friends and family.
Make all effort to heal yourself. And to begin a new life you need to first pardon your spouse as it has a medicinal effect of healing your grieving self. Once you are at peace with yourself dealing with all the changes brought about by divorce turns easy. And you can stay committed to achieving the welfare of your children.
7 Secrets To A Happy Marriage
A marriage is a formal union that combines two lives as one, but it takes a certain amount of work to make any union last forever. This article is designed to reveal seven secrets that every couple should know.
Communicate. When you stop communicating with your spouse, you're in trouble. It's important to be able to talk to one another about anything, including the good and bad points of a day. A successful marriage is one where happiness is celebrated and sadness is shared.
Make a date. Many couples find it difficult to spend quality time with one another on a regular basis. Whether it's work commitments or just a hectic day, it often seems as though scheduling time together is the only way to make it happen. So, rather than checking your appointment calendar, simply set aside one day a week for a ‘date night.' Both you and your spouse will ideally not schedule anything else during this time and will just make it a special evening for the two of you. Whether it's a trip to the movie theater, dining at a fine restaurant or just curling up on the sofa, making a date with your spouse is always fun.
Be honest. In any relationship, especially a marriage, honesty is important. One deceit, regardless of how small, can quickly turn into another and the endless cycle begins. The best way to handle any situation is to be honest with your mate. If in doubt, ask yourself how you would want to be treated if the situation was reversed. If you prefer honesty yourself, show the same courtesy to your spouse.
Discuss financial issues. Money is one of the leading reasons why most couples argue. Not only that, it's also a leading cause for divorce. Whether you have it or you don't, money can be a touchy subject. The best way to handle financial issues is to discuss them openly.
Express your anger immediately. Otherwise, it may build and gradually become worse over time. Whether you need to shout or cry, it's important that your spouse knows what's on your mind. Your mate cannot possibly rectify the situation if he/she is not even aware that one exists.
Laugh. Every successful relationship has laughter. If you've ever heard the old saying that "laughter is the best medicine," it's true. There's no better way to treat your relationship than with a few chuckles now and then.
Remember why you love your spouse. Even when things are rough, remember all of the reasons that you fell in love with your mate. Was it a smile, their loving heart, sensitivity, eyes or just an unexplainable feeling when he/she is near? Whatever it was, remember it always. Even when you do not like your spouse, keep in mind that you do love them.
The information contained in this article is designed to be used for reference purposes only. It should not be used as, in place of or in conjunction with professional relationship and/or marital advice. For additional information or to address specific relationship issues, consult a marriage counselor.
Communicate. When you stop communicating with your spouse, you're in trouble. It's important to be able to talk to one another about anything, including the good and bad points of a day. A successful marriage is one where happiness is celebrated and sadness is shared.
Make a date. Many couples find it difficult to spend quality time with one another on a regular basis. Whether it's work commitments or just a hectic day, it often seems as though scheduling time together is the only way to make it happen. So, rather than checking your appointment calendar, simply set aside one day a week for a ‘date night.' Both you and your spouse will ideally not schedule anything else during this time and will just make it a special evening for the two of you. Whether it's a trip to the movie theater, dining at a fine restaurant or just curling up on the sofa, making a date with your spouse is always fun.
Be honest. In any relationship, especially a marriage, honesty is important. One deceit, regardless of how small, can quickly turn into another and the endless cycle begins. The best way to handle any situation is to be honest with your mate. If in doubt, ask yourself how you would want to be treated if the situation was reversed. If you prefer honesty yourself, show the same courtesy to your spouse.
Discuss financial issues. Money is one of the leading reasons why most couples argue. Not only that, it's also a leading cause for divorce. Whether you have it or you don't, money can be a touchy subject. The best way to handle financial issues is to discuss them openly.
Express your anger immediately. Otherwise, it may build and gradually become worse over time. Whether you need to shout or cry, it's important that your spouse knows what's on your mind. Your mate cannot possibly rectify the situation if he/she is not even aware that one exists.
Laugh. Every successful relationship has laughter. If you've ever heard the old saying that "laughter is the best medicine," it's true. There's no better way to treat your relationship than with a few chuckles now and then.
Remember why you love your spouse. Even when things are rough, remember all of the reasons that you fell in love with your mate. Was it a smile, their loving heart, sensitivity, eyes or just an unexplainable feeling when he/she is near? Whatever it was, remember it always. Even when you do not like your spouse, keep in mind that you do love them.
The information contained in this article is designed to be used for reference purposes only. It should not be used as, in place of or in conjunction with professional relationship and/or marital advice. For additional information or to address specific relationship issues, consult a marriage counselor.
Do You Need Some Fun Date Ideas?
Do you ever feel that you go on the same kind of date over and over? This can become so boring, uneventful and very predictable.
Why not make your date a date to remember?Do you want to make your date one that will remember? It really isn't that hard. Here are some great fun date ideas to get you started.
First, you need to do something you have never done before. If you want to impress someone, you can start off by being different. Think about it. If you had to do the same activity every day at the same time, what type of activity would you choose?
You would not choose something that is so boring that it will make you want to cry after just one week. I have some fun date ideas that will be sure to impress your date.
First of all, forget the movies. How can you get to know a person while sitting in front of a movie screen, with no interaction between the two of you. Plus, almost everyone goes to the movies.
Instead, try something original, like going ice-skating or go to an art museum. You have the chance to really talk and find out what kind of person you're with, and it's romantic to choose something different.
Not to mention the fact that you want to stick with fun date ideas, and not something boring. And don't forget about chemistry, this will help to see if there is any.
If you want to really learn about him or her, and you want to do something really fun, do something original. Go for a carriage ride, a wine tasting party, a funky little cafe, an art exhibit, or take him or her to see street performers. Here is your way to have some great conversation, see what he or she thinks about, what are their likes and dislikes.
Ok, be honest, how many dates have you gone on where you go to dinner and a movie? Exactly, just like everyone else out there. Shake it up a bit, and try something different.
Be original and it will be a date that will be written about in her diary. Do things that you really enjoy, and if he or she is the right one for you, things will just naturally fall into place.
Be different from the rest of the crowd, use our unique date ideas and have a great time.
Why not make your date a date to remember?Do you want to make your date one that will remember? It really isn't that hard. Here are some great fun date ideas to get you started.
First, you need to do something you have never done before. If you want to impress someone, you can start off by being different. Think about it. If you had to do the same activity every day at the same time, what type of activity would you choose?
You would not choose something that is so boring that it will make you want to cry after just one week. I have some fun date ideas that will be sure to impress your date.
First of all, forget the movies. How can you get to know a person while sitting in front of a movie screen, with no interaction between the two of you. Plus, almost everyone goes to the movies.
Instead, try something original, like going ice-skating or go to an art museum. You have the chance to really talk and find out what kind of person you're with, and it's romantic to choose something different.
Not to mention the fact that you want to stick with fun date ideas, and not something boring. And don't forget about chemistry, this will help to see if there is any.
If you want to really learn about him or her, and you want to do something really fun, do something original. Go for a carriage ride, a wine tasting party, a funky little cafe, an art exhibit, or take him or her to see street performers. Here is your way to have some great conversation, see what he or she thinks about, what are their likes and dislikes.
Ok, be honest, how many dates have you gone on where you go to dinner and a movie? Exactly, just like everyone else out there. Shake it up a bit, and try something different.
Be original and it will be a date that will be written about in her diary. Do things that you really enjoy, and if he or she is the right one for you, things will just naturally fall into place.
Be different from the rest of the crowd, use our unique date ideas and have a great time.
Best Online Dating Conversation Starters
How to break the ice with someone you meet on the best online dating site
Being single and using the best online dating site can bring about challenges that conventional dating doesn’t address. You have to be clever, entertaining and intriguing in order to catch the eye of someone you are interested in meeting in person. There are very experienced chatters in the best online dating ice breakers that can give you clues to how they feel right off the bat, and then there are those who are at a complete loss for words.
When you have a high level of self esteem, this can help you to break the ice when things seem awkward. Everyone has the fear of being rejected and having some cool chat lines to swap with a potential date just may get you that partner for a special event you have been wanting to attend. Meeting people and engaging their interest on the best online dating services can be quite the challenge.
The best online dating conversations
Chatting with someone online and sharing some of your most personal thoughts and experiences are much easier than speaking to someone in person. The best online dating conversations you might have might simply be about a band you both enjoy or a certain genre of movies. You can find that you are chatting famously with someone about something so simple as books you have recently read or a concert you just attended. When you have things in common it is easy to come up with ice breakers to start a conversation with someone you have met on the best online dating service site.
Feeling in the groove online
Most people looking to chat up others start to really feel their way around the ins and outs of online dating. Before you know it, you will be right in the groove and attracting attention not just for your posted photos, but because of your sparkling wit and excellent conversation. If you are looking for a mate that can offer you more than just sex appeal, using an online dating service can be just the ticket for you to find your soul mate or even just a new best friend. When you are confident in your own abilities, then it will communicate that to others, whether you meet them in person, or share talks online.
Being single and using the best online dating site can bring about challenges that conventional dating doesn’t address. You have to be clever, entertaining and intriguing in order to catch the eye of someone you are interested in meeting in person. There are very experienced chatters in the best online dating ice breakers that can give you clues to how they feel right off the bat, and then there are those who are at a complete loss for words.
When you have a high level of self esteem, this can help you to break the ice when things seem awkward. Everyone has the fear of being rejected and having some cool chat lines to swap with a potential date just may get you that partner for a special event you have been wanting to attend. Meeting people and engaging their interest on the best online dating services can be quite the challenge.
The best online dating conversations
Chatting with someone online and sharing some of your most personal thoughts and experiences are much easier than speaking to someone in person. The best online dating conversations you might have might simply be about a band you both enjoy or a certain genre of movies. You can find that you are chatting famously with someone about something so simple as books you have recently read or a concert you just attended. When you have things in common it is easy to come up with ice breakers to start a conversation with someone you have met on the best online dating service site.
Feeling in the groove online
Most people looking to chat up others start to really feel their way around the ins and outs of online dating. Before you know it, you will be right in the groove and attracting attention not just for your posted photos, but because of your sparkling wit and excellent conversation. If you are looking for a mate that can offer you more than just sex appeal, using an online dating service can be just the ticket for you to find your soul mate or even just a new best friend. When you are confident in your own abilities, then it will communicate that to others, whether you meet them in person, or share talks online.
Relationship Expectations when you Meet Someone on an Online Dating Service
How to Tell if Your Expectations of a Relationship is Unreasonable
You may be a hard sell to get a date on an online dating service if you have specific requirements that brook no negotiations. Such as your prospective date must look a certain way, have a certain education, drive a particular car and have a prestigious job. Being too picky may allow some really great guys who don’t measure up in your book, to get away to girls who are laughing all the way to the altar. Even on an online dating service you can’t be too rigid about who and what you will date.
Another unreasonable, though wise some may say, practice is that you won’t date anyone who doesn’t make a certain amount of money. This may be an unreasonable expectation for an online dating service, unless you join one of the more expensive matchmaking services that cater to more affluent clients. If you refuse to drive more than a few quick miles away, you better get ready to spend your time alone. Sometimes the right person isn’t right under your nose and meeting someone on an online dating service will almost ensure that you will have to drive at least some distance to meet.
Other signs you should watch for in yourself is if someone doesn’t share all the same interest with you, you are not interested, no matter what other great qualities they may offer. You also can’t expect someone you just meet on an online dating service to trust you implicitly and share with you their deepest secrets.
Reasonable Expectations
When you meet someone on an online dating service, a spark is required to get you interested. It may be something he or she said, it may be an emotional connection or it could be as simple as physical attraction. A reasonable expectation of relationship is that you want to be with someone who thinks you are exciting, funny, cute and sweet. You want someone who has the same basic values as you do, but you are willing to negotiate the more important issues that may be holding your relationship back. Meeting people on an online dating service can be fun and flirty or it can be a serious search for a mate for life. Just be sure that you have reasonable expectations of the relationship you are ready to begin.
You may be a hard sell to get a date on an online dating service if you have specific requirements that brook no negotiations. Such as your prospective date must look a certain way, have a certain education, drive a particular car and have a prestigious job. Being too picky may allow some really great guys who don’t measure up in your book, to get away to girls who are laughing all the way to the altar. Even on an online dating service you can’t be too rigid about who and what you will date.
Another unreasonable, though wise some may say, practice is that you won’t date anyone who doesn’t make a certain amount of money. This may be an unreasonable expectation for an online dating service, unless you join one of the more expensive matchmaking services that cater to more affluent clients. If you refuse to drive more than a few quick miles away, you better get ready to spend your time alone. Sometimes the right person isn’t right under your nose and meeting someone on an online dating service will almost ensure that you will have to drive at least some distance to meet.
Other signs you should watch for in yourself is if someone doesn’t share all the same interest with you, you are not interested, no matter what other great qualities they may offer. You also can’t expect someone you just meet on an online dating service to trust you implicitly and share with you their deepest secrets.
Reasonable Expectations
When you meet someone on an online dating service, a spark is required to get you interested. It may be something he or she said, it may be an emotional connection or it could be as simple as physical attraction. A reasonable expectation of relationship is that you want to be with someone who thinks you are exciting, funny, cute and sweet. You want someone who has the same basic values as you do, but you are willing to negotiate the more important issues that may be holding your relationship back. Meeting people on an online dating service can be fun and flirty or it can be a serious search for a mate for life. Just be sure that you have reasonable expectations of the relationship you are ready to begin.
10 Easy Steps For A Healthy Relationship
Are you ready for real love? In this day and age of fast-paced and short-lived relationships, it's challenging and many times difficult, to find good, solid, effective, and useful, information that helps to build healthy and long-lasting romantic relationships. Whether you're single, married, divorced, or looking-to-be-married, these time-tested steps will help you and your current or future mate to create a long-lasting romantic bliss:
1) Always Be Your "True" Self
You are wonderfully and uniquely made by a loving Creator. If you find that you have to act or try to become someone you weren't born to be, in order to fulfill someone else's expectation, then something is seriously wrong. A true love will appreciate you for who you are and what you bring to the relationship, and vice-versa. If you feel as if you're being pressured to alter your character to do things you wouldn't usually do (drink, drugs, pre-mature sex, lie) so that the person will continue to see you, that's a certain sign that things are unhealthy. Your true love will gladly embrace you just for who you are-so don't be afraid, step out in faith and show your true self.
2) Develop Deep Communication with Each Other
A healthy relationship goes much deeper that a surface affair. Even though you may both look good arm-in-arm, or standing next to each other, whether at a concert, family reunion, Movie Theater, or at church, can you talk when you're alone? What's going on in your conversations-are they deep and meaningful or surface and bland? Do you discuss personal hopes, dreams and goals, or just talk about the weather and the plot to the latest drama? Can you count on each other to lend a listening ear, good advice, and undivided attention?
Good, honest, and deep conversation will keep you deeply connected. When in doubt, talk it out. Always keep the lines of communication open in your relationship.
3) Don't Ignore, but Explore Your Differences
Do your personalities blend well? Is one of you on the optimistic path while the other is on the pessimistic side of the road? Opposites may initially attract, but eventually they can repel each other. It's important that your personalities are compatible.
If one views life through rose colored glasses, while the other is always singing-the-blues, then you have to make some sort of adjustment to accommodate each other. The simple truth is oil and vinegar make an excellent salad dressing, but they don't mix well in romantic relationships, unless both personalities can explore each other and find some sort of balance. If you can adjust and love each other's personalities, regardless of any differences, and bring out the best when you're together, then this is a winning combo, and you could very well be a dynamic-duo in a life-long healthy relationship.
4) Share Similar Interest and Values
You don't have to have the exact interests. As a matter of fact, having diverse preferences can help you to share new and exciting things with each other. However, make sure you have at least a few common interests, so it won't be an ongoing battle over what to do and where to go to keep you both satisfied. You may have to compromise in some areas like sports, politics, movies, shopping, music, etc. Keep in mind that compromising doesn't mean depriving each other of their individual interests but instead it means participating in each other's interests.
5) Discuss Your Spiritual Beliefs Together
If you're not on common ground with your beliefs about who and what God means to each of you, this will eventually cause a rift in your relationship. Don't try to conceal your true beliefs and hope that it will all just one day fall in place-it won't. Make sure you talk about your faith honestly and openly with each other. There's a wise adage that states, "The couple that prays together, stays together."
6) Appreciate Each Other's Unique Body Temple
Let's face it, we're all built differently. We come in a variety of shapes, sizes, and shades. In order to have a healthy physical and emotional relationship, you must embrace and appreciate each other's total package. One of the worse things a couple can do to each other is to fantasize or try to fit their mate into someone else's body image. When you throw away preconceived "ideal body type" perceptions, you'll enjoy the true worth of your partner.
I remember years ago, one of my college friends, Nicolette, a five-foot-eight-inch, former beauty queen, adamantly refused to date any man under the six-foot mark. Her preconceived idea of the "ideal match" was "an athletic hunk who would be paid well for playing ball-footfall, basketball, or baseball would qualify him-as long as he had the height, the muscles, and the billfold." Well, after many heartbreaks, shallow relationships, and adopting a completely new outlook on life, she eagerly reports that she has been very happily married to a five-foot-five-inch dentist for over five years and "has since been blessed with two wonderful children to complete her healthy marriage."
Nicolette would have missed out on the love of her life had she remained stuck with false perceptions. Don't let this happen to you. Admire, appreciate, and enjoy your companion's body temple.
7) Talk About "The S-&M Factor" (Sex & Money)
Two of the biggest destroyers of healthy relationships are the misuse, abuse, lack of or over-use of sex and money (the S & M Factor). Both are very important and very personal in your love life. Yet, unfortunately, most couples make the mistake of not setting quality time aside early in their relationship to discuss these two vital components. To put it bluntly, "You've got to know where you're heading, before you get to the bedding; and know what you're spending before it gets beyond mending."
In deep romantic relationships, there is a world of difference between "having sex" and "making love," just as there is a major difference between being "involved" and "being in love." The misuse of sex, just like the misuse of money, causes major turbulence in relationships. These can be dangerous influences which overwhelm your relationship; or they can be healthy tools for intimacy and success. It's up to both you and your partner to know what sex and money means to each of you, and to make sure that you share your beliefs and feelings with each other. Otherwise, both the sex and money issues can become major conflicts which will destroy even the deepest love.
8) Try to Get Along With Each Other's Friends-n-Families
Although your happiness ultimately depends on how well the two of you get along with each other, some input from loved ones can be frosting on the cake. Do you have a healthy interaction with each other's close associates? Make sure you ask some supportive family members and/or dear friends their opinion about your choice in mate. If the advice is not what you want to hear, examine it closely, evaluate the source, pray about it, and make up your own mind anyway. Make sure you also meet your mate's family and closest friends, and discreetly observe their interactions with each other. Look if there is any dysfunctional family pattern that you need to address and get help with. There is a wise old saying, "Show me your company, I'll tell you who you are." Chances are, if your partner has a healthy interaction with loved ones, you will also get the same treatment-and so much more!
9) Stay Away From Negative People
It's important to make a special note here, that although the interactions of relatives and friends can be a plus in building a healthy relationship, some, unfortunately, can also be a minus. If you face unhealthy interference and discouragement from loved ones because of their personal insecurities, don't let them have any influence in your relationship. Both you and your mate must be on the same page and decide to keep negative people out of your personal love life in order to love and grow together in a harmonious, healthy relationship.
10) Learn to Laugh Together
This one doesn't need much explanation-if there's no joy, there's very little hope. Laughter keeps love alive. Find something that you can both get a good hearty laugh from. Here's a little secret that works wonders: A good sense of humor and a pleasant disposition has a magnetic attraction that makes people always want to be in your presence. How can that special person resist your gorgeous smile and sparkling eyes? Go ahead, laugh a bit-have fun and enjoy!
There you have it-the practical, useful and effective steps that will surely enhance your current or future relationship. You deserve to have an enjoyable, exciting, and loving healthy relationship with someone who loves you, just for who you are. You are worth it!
1) Always Be Your "True" Self
You are wonderfully and uniquely made by a loving Creator. If you find that you have to act or try to become someone you weren't born to be, in order to fulfill someone else's expectation, then something is seriously wrong. A true love will appreciate you for who you are and what you bring to the relationship, and vice-versa. If you feel as if you're being pressured to alter your character to do things you wouldn't usually do (drink, drugs, pre-mature sex, lie) so that the person will continue to see you, that's a certain sign that things are unhealthy. Your true love will gladly embrace you just for who you are-so don't be afraid, step out in faith and show your true self.
2) Develop Deep Communication with Each Other
A healthy relationship goes much deeper that a surface affair. Even though you may both look good arm-in-arm, or standing next to each other, whether at a concert, family reunion, Movie Theater, or at church, can you talk when you're alone? What's going on in your conversations-are they deep and meaningful or surface and bland? Do you discuss personal hopes, dreams and goals, or just talk about the weather and the plot to the latest drama? Can you count on each other to lend a listening ear, good advice, and undivided attention?
Good, honest, and deep conversation will keep you deeply connected. When in doubt, talk it out. Always keep the lines of communication open in your relationship.
3) Don't Ignore, but Explore Your Differences
Do your personalities blend well? Is one of you on the optimistic path while the other is on the pessimistic side of the road? Opposites may initially attract, but eventually they can repel each other. It's important that your personalities are compatible.
If one views life through rose colored glasses, while the other is always singing-the-blues, then you have to make some sort of adjustment to accommodate each other. The simple truth is oil and vinegar make an excellent salad dressing, but they don't mix well in romantic relationships, unless both personalities can explore each other and find some sort of balance. If you can adjust and love each other's personalities, regardless of any differences, and bring out the best when you're together, then this is a winning combo, and you could very well be a dynamic-duo in a life-long healthy relationship.
4) Share Similar Interest and Values
You don't have to have the exact interests. As a matter of fact, having diverse preferences can help you to share new and exciting things with each other. However, make sure you have at least a few common interests, so it won't be an ongoing battle over what to do and where to go to keep you both satisfied. You may have to compromise in some areas like sports, politics, movies, shopping, music, etc. Keep in mind that compromising doesn't mean depriving each other of their individual interests but instead it means participating in each other's interests.
5) Discuss Your Spiritual Beliefs Together
If you're not on common ground with your beliefs about who and what God means to each of you, this will eventually cause a rift in your relationship. Don't try to conceal your true beliefs and hope that it will all just one day fall in place-it won't. Make sure you talk about your faith honestly and openly with each other. There's a wise adage that states, "The couple that prays together, stays together."
6) Appreciate Each Other's Unique Body Temple
Let's face it, we're all built differently. We come in a variety of shapes, sizes, and shades. In order to have a healthy physical and emotional relationship, you must embrace and appreciate each other's total package. One of the worse things a couple can do to each other is to fantasize or try to fit their mate into someone else's body image. When you throw away preconceived "ideal body type" perceptions, you'll enjoy the true worth of your partner.
I remember years ago, one of my college friends, Nicolette, a five-foot-eight-inch, former beauty queen, adamantly refused to date any man under the six-foot mark. Her preconceived idea of the "ideal match" was "an athletic hunk who would be paid well for playing ball-footfall, basketball, or baseball would qualify him-as long as he had the height, the muscles, and the billfold." Well, after many heartbreaks, shallow relationships, and adopting a completely new outlook on life, she eagerly reports that she has been very happily married to a five-foot-five-inch dentist for over five years and "has since been blessed with two wonderful children to complete her healthy marriage."
Nicolette would have missed out on the love of her life had she remained stuck with false perceptions. Don't let this happen to you. Admire, appreciate, and enjoy your companion's body temple.
7) Talk About "The S-&M Factor" (Sex & Money)
Two of the biggest destroyers of healthy relationships are the misuse, abuse, lack of or over-use of sex and money (the S & M Factor). Both are very important and very personal in your love life. Yet, unfortunately, most couples make the mistake of not setting quality time aside early in their relationship to discuss these two vital components. To put it bluntly, "You've got to know where you're heading, before you get to the bedding; and know what you're spending before it gets beyond mending."
In deep romantic relationships, there is a world of difference between "having sex" and "making love," just as there is a major difference between being "involved" and "being in love." The misuse of sex, just like the misuse of money, causes major turbulence in relationships. These can be dangerous influences which overwhelm your relationship; or they can be healthy tools for intimacy and success. It's up to both you and your partner to know what sex and money means to each of you, and to make sure that you share your beliefs and feelings with each other. Otherwise, both the sex and money issues can become major conflicts which will destroy even the deepest love.
8) Try to Get Along With Each Other's Friends-n-Families
Although your happiness ultimately depends on how well the two of you get along with each other, some input from loved ones can be frosting on the cake. Do you have a healthy interaction with each other's close associates? Make sure you ask some supportive family members and/or dear friends their opinion about your choice in mate. If the advice is not what you want to hear, examine it closely, evaluate the source, pray about it, and make up your own mind anyway. Make sure you also meet your mate's family and closest friends, and discreetly observe their interactions with each other. Look if there is any dysfunctional family pattern that you need to address and get help with. There is a wise old saying, "Show me your company, I'll tell you who you are." Chances are, if your partner has a healthy interaction with loved ones, you will also get the same treatment-and so much more!
9) Stay Away From Negative People
It's important to make a special note here, that although the interactions of relatives and friends can be a plus in building a healthy relationship, some, unfortunately, can also be a minus. If you face unhealthy interference and discouragement from loved ones because of their personal insecurities, don't let them have any influence in your relationship. Both you and your mate must be on the same page and decide to keep negative people out of your personal love life in order to love and grow together in a harmonious, healthy relationship.
10) Learn to Laugh Together
This one doesn't need much explanation-if there's no joy, there's very little hope. Laughter keeps love alive. Find something that you can both get a good hearty laugh from. Here's a little secret that works wonders: A good sense of humor and a pleasant disposition has a magnetic attraction that makes people always want to be in your presence. How can that special person resist your gorgeous smile and sparkling eyes? Go ahead, laugh a bit-have fun and enjoy!
There you have it-the practical, useful and effective steps that will surely enhance your current or future relationship. You deserve to have an enjoyable, exciting, and loving healthy relationship with someone who loves you, just for who you are. You are worth it!
Truth or Dare - How Honest Should You Be In Your Romantic Relationship?
To tell or not to tell…Can you afford to be really honest in your relationship?
Have you ever wondered if “honesty is really the best policy?” At some point, couples in every romantic relationship have “the talk” where they spill the beans on their pasts. It’s a chance to come clean and get all the skeletons out of the closet. But how much information is truly necessary? How much truth is too much? For instance does a woman have to be completely honest about every romantic relationship she’s been in?
There is a yes and no answer to this issue. Yes, it can be good to honestly share about the major relationships of your past (usually three to five is average). It can help you to understand each other more by discussing and analyzing past relationships, like: what brought you together with past loves, what caused the separations, and anything in between that you feel will not threaten your current relationship in any way. This will show your mate that you trust him enough to be upfront with him and that you no longer carry feelings for those you were involved with before him.
You could, and should also talk candidly with your mate about any hurtful relationship experiences you may have had—abuse, rape, or childhood molestation. Don’t hide any of this from him. It wasn’t your fault that someone did such an awful thing to you. Any decent mate will understand and will want to protect you from ever getting hurt again, and will in fact draw him closer to you.
However, what is sure to tear your romantic relationship apart is if you’re not over an ex. The question is, should you admit this to your man? Absolutely, not! It would be downright hurtful. What you should do is figure out why you’re still carrying feelings for someone who has left. Let it go and move on. Put your emotions into your current relationship and withdraw your invested emotional energy from the one who is now yesterday’s history.
Another definite no for discussion is if you’ve had more than ten lovers in the past. For instance, if you were once a promiscuous woman, who has had enough male lovers to place one in each of the fifty States, leave that information out of your current relationship. I’ve counseled enough couples to professionally tell you that no matter how much the man may say he’s open to your past, he wants to feel as if he’s the first to have you. Even though he knows that you were not a virgin when he met you, he wants to know that you’re his personal and private “rejuvenated or born-again virgin.” No man wants to know that his prize (you) have been sampled by an extended list of “Tom, Dick, Harry, Larry, and Barry.”
It is ancient Biblical wisdom, that there is a time and a season for everything: “a time to speak and a time to withhold from speaking.” Honesty is truly the best policy, but be smart with your heart. To sum it up in a nutshell, “there’s a time for the past to be told, and a time for you to withhold.”
Have you ever wondered if “honesty is really the best policy?” At some point, couples in every romantic relationship have “the talk” where they spill the beans on their pasts. It’s a chance to come clean and get all the skeletons out of the closet. But how much information is truly necessary? How much truth is too much? For instance does a woman have to be completely honest about every romantic relationship she’s been in?
There is a yes and no answer to this issue. Yes, it can be good to honestly share about the major relationships of your past (usually three to five is average). It can help you to understand each other more by discussing and analyzing past relationships, like: what brought you together with past loves, what caused the separations, and anything in between that you feel will not threaten your current relationship in any way. This will show your mate that you trust him enough to be upfront with him and that you no longer carry feelings for those you were involved with before him.
You could, and should also talk candidly with your mate about any hurtful relationship experiences you may have had—abuse, rape, or childhood molestation. Don’t hide any of this from him. It wasn’t your fault that someone did such an awful thing to you. Any decent mate will understand and will want to protect you from ever getting hurt again, and will in fact draw him closer to you.
However, what is sure to tear your romantic relationship apart is if you’re not over an ex. The question is, should you admit this to your man? Absolutely, not! It would be downright hurtful. What you should do is figure out why you’re still carrying feelings for someone who has left. Let it go and move on. Put your emotions into your current relationship and withdraw your invested emotional energy from the one who is now yesterday’s history.
Another definite no for discussion is if you’ve had more than ten lovers in the past. For instance, if you were once a promiscuous woman, who has had enough male lovers to place one in each of the fifty States, leave that information out of your current relationship. I’ve counseled enough couples to professionally tell you that no matter how much the man may say he’s open to your past, he wants to feel as if he’s the first to have you. Even though he knows that you were not a virgin when he met you, he wants to know that you’re his personal and private “rejuvenated or born-again virgin.” No man wants to know that his prize (you) have been sampled by an extended list of “Tom, Dick, Harry, Larry, and Barry.”
It is ancient Biblical wisdom, that there is a time and a season for everything: “a time to speak and a time to withhold from speaking.” Honesty is truly the best policy, but be smart with your heart. To sum it up in a nutshell, “there’s a time for the past to be told, and a time for you to withhold.”
How Love Grows (Practical Steps To Keeping Love Alive In Your Relationships)
By: Brenda Shoshanna, Ph.D.
We are meant to live a life of love. However, no matter how successful some are in other aspects of their lives, they don’t feel it’s possible to have the same success in love. They tell themselves to “be realistic.” Being realistic about relationships” is considered natural as we “grow up” and give up the fantasies, foolishness and dreams of childhood. But being in love is the most mature and realistic thing you can do. It energizes your life, fills you with positivity, creates generosity and makes every moment beautiful. The body heals the heart is happy. The real question is, how can we learn to help love grow in all aspects of our lives? What gets in the way?
The following steppingstones will show how to help love grow, whatever our situation. They include exercises to strengthen our love muscles, and turn our lives around.
The One Right Besides You
Most of the time we are either searching for the right person or wanting to change the one we are with. We do not take a precious moment to stop and truly see the one who is right in front of our eyes. And, beyond that, though we may not be aware of it, we do many things to push that person away.
Look at a person who is close to you right now – anyone it happens to be. Notice what you are demanding of them in order to be happy together. Then notice the subtle ways in which you push them away.
For a moment, stop it. Spend time just being together. Allow things to go whatever way they do. Let all of it be fine just as it is.
Tomorrow, do the same thing with someone else. The more we can be “right” and happy with each person we meet, the fuller and more joyous our lives will be.
Playing At The Game of Love
So many complain that they are not loved. The reason for this can be quite
simple. They are so busy playing roles and games that the partner never gets to know who they really are. They never know either.
Notice what roles (or games) you play in relationships, and what roles you
demand others play.. See if you are in love with the person you are with, or with the role he/she is playing right now.
Turn this around for a little while. Stop playing roles completely. Love is not a game we play. Love is knowing and accepting yourself and the other exactly as they are. Who we are is always loveable and beautiful. It’s the roles that get in the way.
Letting Him Come and Letting Him Go
One great obstacle in living a life of love is the tendency to hold on. We grasp
and cling to those we care for, preventing their freedom and ease. But this is not love, it is attachment and dependency. In the long run it suffocates the one you cling to and suffocates you too.
Try giving it up for awhile. Let the person come and go as they feel. See how wonderful both of you will feel when you grant your partner this kind of trust. It is said that we can never lose that which belongs to us.
It’s important to put this into action. When someone comes into your life (or
day) practice letting him come. Welcome the person – whoever he is. Enjoy what it is he brings.When it is time for a person to go away, practice letting him go. Do not turn the
person’s leaving into an experience of rejection, loss or abandonment. Realize that his leaving has nothing to do with you. It is simply time for him to go.
Do this with yourself as well. Let yourself come and go freely in life, not tying
yourself in unnecessary chains. The more we free others and ourselves, the more love can grow.
Letting Go Of Unnecessary Expectations
Many feel that love is not possible unless all their demands are met. They can be
quite amazed to discover that even when these demands are met, nothing really changes. These demands don’t lead to happiness. They just may be obstacles to love.
Take a look at what you feel is absolutely necessary in relationships. Realize this
Expectations may be keeping all kinds of people and possibilities away. Not only that, these expectations can be making you fearful and rigid, not open to what is available.
Let one of these demands subside. At first let it go for just one day and see how
it feels. (Remember you can always take it back again). Now try another the next day. As we do this many times, we may find that that which we thought was crucial was only getting in the way. The more we do this the lighter we will feel and all kinds of new people will start appearing in our lives. We have made room.
Giving Gifts
Giving and receiving are the fuel that keeps love burning strong. What gifts do you give in relationships? Take a few moments and also see what you hope to receive in return. Just giving for its own sake, without hoping for anything in return is the most powerful giving of all.
It’s important to practice this. Give something to someone each day. Then, find something new you can give and offer that. Now, do this with different kinds of people, those you might not have given to before.
It’s also important to do this with yourself as well. Each day take a moment to find out what kind of gift you would like. (Can be simple – a walk in the park, new lipstick, time with someone you care for.) Although this exercise is simple, it is extremely powerful. Doing this daily can turn everything around. When we give freely and fully, we do not feel so needful. Less demands are placed on our relationships and we feel full and complete.
Becoming Your Own Best Friend
Many say they are lonely, even with a partner at their side. This is simply because
they have not yet made friends with themselves. Once they make friends with themselves and are able to be who they are, it is difficult to feel lonely again.
Make friends with yourself. Spend time noticing who you are and accept
whatever you notice, all parts of yourself. Stop judging and rejecting what is going on. Just notice and let it be. Understand that underneath the clamor, you are perfect just as you are.
When you learn to accept and make friends with yourself you can then become a
true friend to others, and also choose to be in relationships with those who value and appreciate you. As your love for yourself and others keep growing, the very meaning of relationships alters and life takes a whole new turn.
Cc/author/2007
Article Source: http://www.go-see.info
Discover the surprising truths about love that will save your relationship, in Dr. Shoshanna’s top e-book Save Your Relationship (21 Basic Laws of Successful Relationships), www.truthaboutlove.com. Psychologist, relationship expert, speaker, and noted author has helped thousands become stable, fulfilled and strong. Get free ezine and reports at www.brendashoshanna.com
We are meant to live a life of love. However, no matter how successful some are in other aspects of their lives, they don’t feel it’s possible to have the same success in love. They tell themselves to “be realistic.” Being realistic about relationships” is considered natural as we “grow up” and give up the fantasies, foolishness and dreams of childhood. But being in love is the most mature and realistic thing you can do. It energizes your life, fills you with positivity, creates generosity and makes every moment beautiful. The body heals the heart is happy. The real question is, how can we learn to help love grow in all aspects of our lives? What gets in the way?
The following steppingstones will show how to help love grow, whatever our situation. They include exercises to strengthen our love muscles, and turn our lives around.
The One Right Besides You
Most of the time we are either searching for the right person or wanting to change the one we are with. We do not take a precious moment to stop and truly see the one who is right in front of our eyes. And, beyond that, though we may not be aware of it, we do many things to push that person away.
Look at a person who is close to you right now – anyone it happens to be. Notice what you are demanding of them in order to be happy together. Then notice the subtle ways in which you push them away.
For a moment, stop it. Spend time just being together. Allow things to go whatever way they do. Let all of it be fine just as it is.
Tomorrow, do the same thing with someone else. The more we can be “right” and happy with each person we meet, the fuller and more joyous our lives will be.
Playing At The Game of Love
So many complain that they are not loved. The reason for this can be quite
simple. They are so busy playing roles and games that the partner never gets to know who they really are. They never know either.
Notice what roles (or games) you play in relationships, and what roles you
demand others play.. See if you are in love with the person you are with, or with the role he/she is playing right now.
Turn this around for a little while. Stop playing roles completely. Love is not a game we play. Love is knowing and accepting yourself and the other exactly as they are. Who we are is always loveable and beautiful. It’s the roles that get in the way.
Letting Him Come and Letting Him Go
One great obstacle in living a life of love is the tendency to hold on. We grasp
and cling to those we care for, preventing their freedom and ease. But this is not love, it is attachment and dependency. In the long run it suffocates the one you cling to and suffocates you too.
Try giving it up for awhile. Let the person come and go as they feel. See how wonderful both of you will feel when you grant your partner this kind of trust. It is said that we can never lose that which belongs to us.
It’s important to put this into action. When someone comes into your life (or
day) practice letting him come. Welcome the person – whoever he is. Enjoy what it is he brings.When it is time for a person to go away, practice letting him go. Do not turn the
person’s leaving into an experience of rejection, loss or abandonment. Realize that his leaving has nothing to do with you. It is simply time for him to go.
Do this with yourself as well. Let yourself come and go freely in life, not tying
yourself in unnecessary chains. The more we free others and ourselves, the more love can grow.
Letting Go Of Unnecessary Expectations
Many feel that love is not possible unless all their demands are met. They can be
quite amazed to discover that even when these demands are met, nothing really changes. These demands don’t lead to happiness. They just may be obstacles to love.
Take a look at what you feel is absolutely necessary in relationships. Realize this
Expectations may be keeping all kinds of people and possibilities away. Not only that, these expectations can be making you fearful and rigid, not open to what is available.
Let one of these demands subside. At first let it go for just one day and see how
it feels. (Remember you can always take it back again). Now try another the next day. As we do this many times, we may find that that which we thought was crucial was only getting in the way. The more we do this the lighter we will feel and all kinds of new people will start appearing in our lives. We have made room.
Giving Gifts
Giving and receiving are the fuel that keeps love burning strong. What gifts do you give in relationships? Take a few moments and also see what you hope to receive in return. Just giving for its own sake, without hoping for anything in return is the most powerful giving of all.
It’s important to practice this. Give something to someone each day. Then, find something new you can give and offer that. Now, do this with different kinds of people, those you might not have given to before.
It’s also important to do this with yourself as well. Each day take a moment to find out what kind of gift you would like. (Can be simple – a walk in the park, new lipstick, time with someone you care for.) Although this exercise is simple, it is extremely powerful. Doing this daily can turn everything around. When we give freely and fully, we do not feel so needful. Less demands are placed on our relationships and we feel full and complete.
Becoming Your Own Best Friend
Many say they are lonely, even with a partner at their side. This is simply because
they have not yet made friends with themselves. Once they make friends with themselves and are able to be who they are, it is difficult to feel lonely again.
Make friends with yourself. Spend time noticing who you are and accept
whatever you notice, all parts of yourself. Stop judging and rejecting what is going on. Just notice and let it be. Understand that underneath the clamor, you are perfect just as you are.
When you learn to accept and make friends with yourself you can then become a
true friend to others, and also choose to be in relationships with those who value and appreciate you. As your love for yourself and others keep growing, the very meaning of relationships alters and life takes a whole new turn.
Cc/author/2007
Article Source: http://www.go-see.info
Discover the surprising truths about love that will save your relationship, in Dr. Shoshanna’s top e-book Save Your Relationship (21 Basic Laws of Successful Relationships), www.truthaboutlove.com. Psychologist, relationship expert, speaker, and noted author has helped thousands become stable, fulfilled and strong. Get free ezine and reports at www.brendashoshanna.com
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